My longing for God

I need prayer. I have been battling for so long that I just want to rest in the arms of Jesus. To not lean on my own understanding, but to just rest in Him. I fear that I have fallen so far away if I was ever there to begin with....and that I am the ground that will not grow good fruit. Oh to have the kind of faith that He asks of us.....To stop doubting and believe. That Christ's stretched out arms are enough for me. To solely rely on His grace and Mercy. Why should it be so hard for me to rest on the God of all creation. Maybe because my understanding is so small....My mind cannot possibly grasp the fullness of His love. Why would God want to die for me? What am I holding back? Why can I see others' belief and believe that you are in their lives, but not in mine? I know my need for you God. I know my need for you to save me...oh that I could rest in that. The unbelieving heart is one without rest....and I long for your rest...Lord, I believe...help my unbelief. Have you become so familiar, but unfamiliar that I can no longer take hold of you? Have I abandoned you for too long? Have my prayers been hampered because of unbelief? Oh that I long for You to be MY God ....I am jealous of the faith of others. How many times will you come to me and show me yourself, and for me to fall back. When will I stand. When will I grasp your salvation? When will I no longer feel like a stranger in the midst of your people? Be My God. Live in Me....let me know the fullness of your love and rest and salvation.......Lord my faith is so small....if I have even a little, oh that you could work with it...do not let me be forever searching for you. Real Faith. Trust. Belief. Salvation. Rest. To see Your name and be at peace...to see your cross and say Amen!